its time to turn in...

i have seen the great beyond.
and drank your welcoming waters.
with tears i have cried in the streams of living things....... and yet i feel so empty

my lips are dry and my heart is rusty. i have forgotten how to speak and say. and in my mind's eye i have....forgotten.......you.

curse me in the early dawn. with you saddle bags of burdens on your shoulders and you careless walk of anger. keep that strangers hand on your arm and run in the fog of loneliness. i was never here.
forget that i was here. wash the walls of my smell and throw away my laugh. bury it if you have too. burn my image from your eyes, and cast out my smile from your mind. my words no longer belong to you. and my heart has been taken back. throw away the key, it will no longer turn in the lock to my heart that once beat so rapidly for you.

throw in away i say! in the ocean............where it will sink and at the bottom of the ocean it will sing a lonely song of heartbreak. the ocean will weep for it.

throw it away i say! high into the mountains. where once buried in snow it will whisper of once great love and cause the mountain to tremble with sadness. throw it away. into the wind. where it will be carried and cry to strangers of what once was.

or keep it for yourself. with the hope that someday. in the dead of night. you can sneak back into my life. and slowly unlock my heart.

you have left a hole for me to keep falling back into.

i was recently in a video documentary of my ex-boyfriend. i had to be filmed and asked questions about him. it was weird. sad. and brought up memories that i had somehow forgotten existed. he was my first love. first kiss. first boyfriend. first everything. and to suddenly have to relive all these memories and moments again after drinking large amounts of alcohol to forget and not make hurt so badly, was incredibly....therapeutic. we are not on speaking terms, and when we are, i constantly find myself falling back into his tender trap that he has so delicately set out and placed in it the words and things that always draw me to it and shut me in. and then i watched this video, with other people filmed and it saddened my soul, deep down to the very core it saddened my soul. it was it odd to see that other people had experienced this side of him that only i thought i had seen and dealt with and cried and screamed and drank over.
to this boy.
this is for you.

with your blue eyes and washed out soul.
forgive me for labeling you a man.
that i so readily saw you as
and then hated you for later.
after the tears were cried.
and the vodka was drank
did i start to forget
all that you had been once in
those lasting days of indian summer.
with your easy words and your
soul full of tempting things that
made it hard for my heart to resist
what you laid out in poems and
songs laced with romance and pennies.
kiss me once. you fool.
kiss me twice. fool am i.
kiss me ever again. fools we both are.
my soul will ever belong to you for
it has stopped listening to my head
and instead listens to the small piece
of my heart that holds ever living
love for you and somehow has
managed to survive the shattering
of the rest of it.
oh you with your blue eyes.
and even bluer soul.
find me in my hidden garden
and stay with me.